“Bully!” he declared. “I’m the President of Presidents Day Present! Ha! Say that five times fast!”
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Someone tell safari man here that its presidents day. Not Halloween
“And you are?” Trump said.
“You—you haven’t seen me before?” the ghost’s mustache wilted a bit.
“You look familiar.”
“Theodore Roosevelt. Youngest man to become President.”
“An overachiever?”
“I helped end the Russo-Japanese War. I received a Nobel Peace Prize for my efforts.”
“Nobel Prize is a scam.”
“My visage is set upon Mount Rushmore.”
“Not ringing a bell. Wait. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and—Oh! You’re the other one.”
Roosevelt pursed his lips in frustration. “Quite.” He quickly regained his cheerful composure, however, as if he had been nothing but
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Gottem! Had to bring Teddy down a peg. Too cheerful. It’s creepy, creepier than being a ghost
“When I was selected as President McKinley’s Vice President,” the former President said, “it was not meant as the honor some would think. I had many adversaries in the Republican Party, and they had given me a job with hardly any power whatsoever. They thought they could neuter my popular appeal by denying me the presidency. Many in my party saw me as dangerous, uncontrollable, and unpredictable.”
Trump tilted his head in a shrug. “Sounds familiar.”
“And to give them credit, I may have been. I can only admit that now in my after-life. I never would have then. Truth be told, I was wild and dangerous. It had been perfectly fine for me to take risks with my own life and fortune. But there’s something about the presidency. It changes a man, or at least it ought to change a man. It’s no longer just yourself you must consider. And you not only have a responsibility to the citizens living now, but to countless unborn generations blessed enough to call the United States their home. You have a responsibility to posterity everlasting. You must leave the country better than it was delivered unto you.”
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Should I grow a mustache? I can’t stop staring at this guy’s mustache.
Roosevelt sniffed his nose, “Well, we have much to see, and not much time to see it. It is the present, and only so much of it until it passes us by, never to return.”
Instantaneously, Roosevelt and Trump were transported to a snow-covered Irving Street on the north side of Washington, D.C. They stood beneath red glowing letters spelling out “IHOP RESTAURANT.”
“Why have you brought me here, Spirit?” Trump asked.
“Inside this International House of Pancakes sits a man, lonely and dejected. His Presidents Day is not going as well as he hoped for. Take a look.” Roosevelt beckoned Trump to peer through the window into the 24-hour establishment. “Don’t worry, he can’t see you.”
Trump wiped his sleeve over the frosted glass, until he made for himself a porthole through which he could see. Inside, squeezed into a booth, was the Governor of New Jersey. He had barely touching his stack of buttermilk pancakes topped in an obscene amount of syrup. Trump audibly groaned.
“Keep watching,” Roosevelt chided.
A few seconds later, White House intern Reince Priebus joined the Governor, sitting in the seat opposite him. “Hi, Chris,” he said. “It was a no go, huh?”
Chris Christie shook his head. “You know, I really thought I had made the right move in the primaries. Trump was a long shot, but I was the first to endorse him before anyone else did. Look where it got me.”
“This path he’s on. He treats his enemies harshly, and his allies harsher,” Reince said. “I thought this was going to be a stepping stone, you know? Work in the White House, make some political connections, run for governor or senator or something, but it’s all about him. It’s all about Trump. When is it ever going to be about Priebus?”
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Whoever runs against the Tiny Intern, let me know. You have my endorsement
“I think I might just need to resign, get out of politics,” Priebus continued. “Maybe get into real estate or insurance or something. I’m just not cut out for this.”
“Oh no!” Trump gasped. “Spirit, my intern might leave me? What will happen to Tiny Intern?”
“I am only allowed to see the present, but I see in the corner a boring desk job, and a broken dream.”
“No, I meant who is going to get me my Big Macs when I get hungry? He’s a lousy intern, but at least he gets my order correct.”
As Trump fretted over the impending shake up in his dinner routine, Vice President Mike Pence entered the establishment and sat in the booth with the two men. “Happy Presidents Day, gentlemen,” he said.
Governor Christie snorted, “A fine ‘happy’ one it is, too.”
“Just another day to celebrate an insufferable wretch of a man,” Priebus added.
“Gentlemen,” Pence said, “Our President is indeed the most loathsome of creatures. Greedy, arrogant, corrupt, unintelligent, and the most undeserving man to have ever been given the title President of the United States—”
“Traitors everywhere I look!” Trump exclaimed
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
This ghost thing, not being able to be seen, is pretty useful. spying on my enemies. Very bad people. #DrainTheSwamp
“Keep listening,” Roosevelt said, “there is still more.”
Mike Pence continued, “—yet he is the President. And the office still has some dignity left to it. And our political positions are kept alive thanks to him. We all could—” Pence paused, eyes shifting uncomfortably, and began again, “—two of us could one day be President ourselves. It’s important we don’t allow the office to become so damaged that we cannot occupy it later. Like it or not, we have to play the long game. Politics properly played is the long game.”
The Governor and the intern nodded at the Vice President’s words.
“Like I said. Traitors!” Trump said as he typed furiously at his phone
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Reminder: Don’t trust Pence with anything
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
On 2d thought, I don’t need a reminder. I’ve got one fantastic memory.
Find out what happens next in A Presidents Day Carol now available in paperback and ebook!